There is a certain amount of drama that makes life more exciting, unexpected, and fun. We may win a small sum at the casino, bump into an old flame, negotiate a risky business deal, or study for a big exam. Those are examples of agreeable drama. There are also the less desirable kinds of drama such as big blowout fights over nothing important, losing your temper because your spouse is watching the TV too loud, erupting into tears over not having someone call back, or melting down on the way out because you hate your outfit. The behavior that accompanies this type of drama is not good for anyone; not us or the person onto which we are projecting the drama. Somewhere along the way, things got wired wrong with respect to appropriate responses to our feelings.

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Some may ask, “Isn’t it healthy to feel your feelings?” The answer is “Yes,” but there is a caveat. When we over-indulge, our feelings can be as bad as not feeling at all. This is the drama. The scenario usually plays out along these lines: You feel hurt, angry, lonely, rejected, offended, or some type of personal reaction. You decide to respond to it at a level 10 even if the situation may only require a level 2. Yes, it is important to feel your feelings but not to be too extreme. The salient point is that we have control over how we react. It is a choice. Choose to react… just not disproportionately to the situation at hand.

In Melody Beattie’s book, The New Codependency, she talks about thinking of our emotions as a fishing metaphor; the mantra she uses is “catch and release”. This is a very freeing concept to those of us who feel overwhelmed, controlled, or bulldozed by our emotions. Melody reminds us that we do not have to be devastated by our feelings, that we can feel them and let them go, or catch and release. Drama will ensue when we resist the pain and instead react either impulsively or driven by painful assumptions.

When faced with drama, have an action plan prepared so that when the triggers hit, you are armed and ready.

Action-Plan Tips

• Keep a journal or a file on your computer where you “dump” your initial reaction, and once the storm passes, check in again to see if there is more that still needs to be addressed.
• Go for a walk as a way to let off steam and reboot.
• Take a bath or shower to revitalize yourself and calm down.
• Make some tea before you decide to engage.

The more steps you put between you and the potential drama, the less chance it will have as great an impact on you. Remind yourself you are able to handle any obstacle that comes your way. No matter what it is, it’s a safe bet that you have handled worse. In case you are doubting, we have good reminders of real life drama to keep us humble like natural disasters and the devastation of war. As one of the Lama’s at Ratna Ling retreat center has said, “… only death is a tragedy, everything else is an inconvenience”.

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Teachers come in all different shapes and sizes. If we choose to come from a more traditional Buddhist perspective, we can come to understand that much of our reality is illusion, a dream, and a learning dream where we have the opportunity to transform ourselves in every frustrating or negative interaction or emotion. The Buddhists tell us that there are three core factors that can help us to transform our negative emotions.

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1. Listening

First is listening – true listening, not the kind while you are watching TV or multitasking. True listening when we are conscious and giving our full attention. What happens when we truly listen is it is possible to hear things in a different way instead of the way we are used to hearing things. It is possible to tap into our inner wisdom and find answers that we never imagined.

2. Contemplation

Secondly is contemplation. We are such and action based society that it seems unfathomable to take three or four days to mull something over. We have been trained to expect instant gratification and our attention spans have shrunk to the length of a thirty second commercial. It is in contemplation that we reflect on what we have heard in our listening, on what our inner wisdom has communicated and what it means to us.

3. Meditation

Third is meditation. Sogyal Rinpoche, in his classic Buddhist text The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, suggests that we meditate with eyes open. Meditation is not about zoning out but rather zoning in, finding our way to that inner peace instead of escaping the chaos – otherwise transformation is not possible. Meditation is not all about chanting or sitting still even – the truth of meditation is said to come in the few moments after meditation, when there is clarity. Meditation is our mental sieve.

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This is the process in which we can unravel judgment and negative emotions. It is not easy bit if we are diligent we can change the way we see things so that, as Dr. Wayne Dyer

famously says: "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

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There is a very human tendency to want to cling to familiar patterns, even if they are outgrown and no longer serve us. At times, we outgrow relationships, jobs, and various aspects of our personal lives. Deep in our hearts, we know that we are ready to move on, but we resist. It reminds me of a children’s story I once read of a autumn leaf who was afraid to let go of her tree. She clung tenaciously, even as her friends all let go and moved on. In the end, of course, she let go too, and all was well.

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I like to think of this story from another angle, the perspective of the tree. If the tree clings to her leaves and refuses to let them fall to the ground, she cannot grow new buds for the following spring. It is now, in the fall, that buds are formed which will sleep dormant throughout the winter and burst forth with new growth in the spring. We all feel like the tree sometimes, clinging to the familiar, not knowing that we are holding back our own growth in the process.

The tough part (for both the tree and ourselves) is of course, the winter. We too may experience a period of harsh cold barrenness, wondering why we ever let go of our leaves. We feel naked, open, and exposed. We may not see our own new growth right away, and may not recognize the need for a period of quietness before we begin to grow again. For us and for the tree, it may be a “dark night of the soul.” But spring comes as it always does.

It’s not easy for either the tree or us to embrace change, but we must. Change is the stuff of life, the stuff of growth. This autumn, watch a tree closely, day by day. Follow it as it changes and prepares for winter. Maybe pick a leaf or two to press and keep as a reminder of the necessity of letting go of those things that no longer work in our lives. Sometimes its change will seem slow, almost imperceptible. Other days, you may find yourself astonished at how quickly it changes. Autumn is here. Things are moving quickly. To make it through to spring, we must embrace the process of natural change, and welcome it as best we can with open minds and loving hearts. Change happens, to both people and trees.

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The ego I'm referring to isn't the self-important or conceited attitude (though this quality is certainly prevalent at times), but the definition borrowed from psychoanalysis, which defines the ego as “the part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world.” Think of the ego as the wizard in the Wizard of Oz, an elaborate and convincing mask that we often hide behind to guard our smallness, project our grandeur, and keep ourselves protected from perceived emotional dangers. On the one hand, the wizard can be likened to the overprotective parent whose intention is not all bad but goes way too far. On the other hand, his intent is similar to that of the controlling parent who wants us to believe that all our fears are true and must be thought about obsessively.

The ego is determined to prove itself right, and its hunger is relentless. The only way for it to prove itself is by convincing us of the illusions or fears that it has created. You have most certainly experienced this in your everyday life. It usually begins when you focus on something outside yourself. I had a client who had recurring nightmares of being cheated on by her boyfriend. Her nightmare invaded reality with one phone call. The girlfriend was studying for finals at home while the boyfriend attended a party. Everything seemed fine until he told her that his ex-girlfriend was there and they were catching up over a few drinks. Cue the ego into a state of panic, set up by the nightmares, tapping into deep-seated fears of abandonment. Her imagination went straight to catastrophizing, a common coping strategy. Within minutes, my client was convinced that her boyfriend and his ex had rekindled their love, consummated it, and were planning a nursery in their new house, even before she had hung up the phone. This is when the ego has got you by the throat, exactly where it wants you, believing every crazy thought. You are now outside of yourself with the ego in charge, which is very dangerous because if you believe strongly enough, you can manifest these thoughts.

Why does the ego dominate in this way? Why is it hell bent on making us feel so crummy?

The underlying truth is the ego’s interest is not about you at all. It only seeks to preserve itself by avoiding vulnerability. When we feel vulnerable or true compassion for others or ourselves, there can be no blame or finger to point. We are inside ourselves and that can be scary. The ego thrives on comparison. It may start in a good place; admiring someone’s art, noticing a beautiful house, congratulating a friend on his or her promotion or for having lost weight. It is usually not long before we start to wonder why we have not lost weight, bought a house, or created a breathtaking sculpture. Comparing is the ego’s playground. When the ego dominates, the end result is usually to bash you or the other person because the ego has no desire to admit to its own frailty. You may be sad, grumpy, or tired but the ego will instead have you believe that you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, successful or creative enough. It keeps you locked in fear and away from love and self-love, where your actual relief awaits.

How to know when the ego is taking over:

• Your reaction doesn’t seem congruent to the situation at hand.
• You are building stories about what’s happening.
• You are assuming what it means without anything to prove it so.
• You feel disconnected from your body and spirit and maybe other people.
• You can’t spend time alone or seem to sit still.
• You don’t feel like yourself and can’t stop focusing on the external.

What to do to get some clarity:

• Talk to a friend who can be unbiased.
• Ask yourself if your thoughts are absolutely true and factual.
• Make some time alone to sit with your feeling, allow yourself to cry, scream or anything in between.
• Allow some space to clear your mind by: writing in a journal, talking to a therapist or getting into nature.
• Taking time away from the situation nearly always allows for a fresh perspective.

Recognizing jealousy as an alarm bell is good. We should understand this signal as a warning to us that we are outside of ourselves, and a reminder that instead of looking externally, we need to be spending time within even if it may be uncomfortable. So, reign in that green-eyed monster and remember, it is always all about you.

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Imagine your friend/parent/partner holding one end of a rope and you on the other. If you are the caregiver, the one more emotionally engaged in the relationship, chances are you are pulling yourself along the rope toward the other person, actively closing the distance until you are right on top of him/her, while s/he is just standing still. In this case, as giver, your needs are not being met, and the receiver does not even have room to take one step toward you. Your partner may feel smothered. S/he will either reject or fight you to create some breathing space.

In conflict, a trigger goes off and an argument ensues, and it keeps escalating until it reaches some kind of breaking point. Either someone walks away or gives in to break the rhythm, at which point resolution and reconciliation usually come. In a few weeks time, you are fighting again. Although it is not the same fight, it is a variation on the same theme; only the details may have changed.

This is where letting go can have a role in breaking that cycle.

It’s important to note that letting go is not in the traditional sense of giving up, we are speaking of this surrender in the spirit of generosity, a proverbial olive branch that is being extended to both you and your partner. Letting go involves putting down our armor and releasing stubborn thoughts to find a solution.

Letting go can be your last hope when you have tried everything else, none of which has worked. While it might be easier if we were able to acquiese earlier, we sometimes need to hit rock bottom first in order to recognize the potential surrender can bring. Most of us are too stubborn, and it takes us a few more hits against a brick wall than we would like to admit, before we consider another option. When we finally choose to allow another possibility, in the midst of a pattern we feel controlled by, we invite untapped possibilities. The problem with being in a pattern is you cannot see a way out of it because even leaving the situation does not always stop the energetic cycle. It is like a magnet that keeps attracting the same old rusted junkyard parts.

By letting go we move into a neutral place that can open up a whole new world of possibilities.This is not easy but if you allow yourself, the results can be dramatic. It will usher in a new energetic pattern and offer you relief from the toxic cycle you have been spinning in for far too long. Be mindful to not watch the kettle so hard that it never boils.

Tips on Resolving Conflicts

• Take some quiet time to fight the urge to immerse in the pattern. If you feel yourself slipping into it again, take a timeout and involve yourself in innocuous activities-take a shower, cook, or go for a walk.
• Visualize yourself releasing the problem and it coming back to you filled with peace, love, and alignment.
• Do not give up. Just when you think you cannot hang on another second, things will start to shift.
• Use the following thought pattern to shift your negative opinions, instead of "I hate X" or "I can’t stand X," say, "It’s going to feel really good when X." Eventually, it will happen.

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